It's The Little Things

I gave myself a mani/pedi today. Well, it took me several sessions over the past couple of days, but my nails are done and that's all that matters.

I've been doing my own nails every couple of weeks pretty much since I was a teenager. For me, it's always been a form of self-care. I get comfy on the couch, put on an old familiar TV SHOW - usually How I Met Your Mother - and spend a couple of hours primping, preening, and painting my fingers and toes. I get in the zone, often using this time to process things. It's therapeutic. And it's the one damned thing I'm vain about.

This is only the second time I've managed to do my nails since CFS/ME took up residence 4 months ago.

When your life is drastically altered by a chronic illness, there is a mourning period in which your grieve the loss of the life you once had and the future you once imagined. First the big, scary, logistical things hit. What about my career? Will I be able to return to work? How am I going to support myself? Then it's the interpersonal stuff. Will I ever be able to date again? Who's going to want to date someone with this condition? Can I manage alone? How do I ask for help without feeling like a burden? And then come the experiences (or the lack there of). Will I be able to travel again? How will I manage holiday gatherings? How do I make plans when my body is so unreliable? The funny thing is, once you work through the initial grief, you begin to realize that it's the littlest things that you end up missing the most. Being able to run to the store on a whim. Not having to rest between showering and dressing. Doing my nails.

There's government aid, support services, and community resources to help with the financial, medical, and basic needs stuff. There are mobility aids and adaptive equipment to make certain tasks easier. There are friends, family, and therapists to support me emotionally. But it's all those little things. Those little pieces that chip away at my freedom and independence. Those little things that make me, me. The little things that bring me joy. It's those things that you forget to mourn.

So, I did my nails. And while it may seem like a small thing for many. For me, it was huge. It made me feel a little more like me. It reminded me that although my life looks drastically different than it did just a few months ago and that while there are so many new limitations, with a little flexibility and creativity, there are so many of those important little things that I can still do.